The Epiphany

About a month ago, I had an epiphany of spiritual growth. It was while I was reading a book, one of many, that was recommended to me by my psychologist. Over the past 4 months, I have read no less than 6 books offering me wisdom on personal and spiritual growth. I feel as though I have taken the accelerated, crash course version of the soul work that I needed to do eventually in this life. That was inevitable, but was prompted by my life unexpectedly burning to the ground. The short version, is that I have been able to reach out in friendship to Mike, and though we are still divorcing and going about living our separate, but parallel lives, we are doing so in joint friendship, being brutally honest with each other about our feelings both then and now. 

I love him, unconditionally.  That is what my heart wants, and what I felt when I learned to just let go.  That doesn't mean I'm not angry and hurt, but I'm able to move past it to a more productive and healing place. I do not want to spend years of my life in bitter regret, and let it poison my future.

Mike has been brave enough to read this blog, to understand how I saw/see things from my perspective. To understand how the consequences of his choices affect others, not just himself. He continues on his own journey of healing, and still sees his PTSD counsellor regularly.

We don't know what the future holds for either of us, but we know that we have almost 30 years of history together, and that wasn't for nothing.

Our friendship has boundaries that we have both agreed on. Complete honesty, no matter how painful, is one of them.  Another was that he can not have both me and Sandy Sinner in his life at the same time.  If he wants a relationship with her, then I would wish them both God's grace, but would not play an active roll in his life.  If he wants my friendship, not just arms-length best wishes, then she has to go. Completely.

I'm happy and relieved to say that he chose my friendship, and yes, I was a little surprised.  So what did he give it all way for? Sigh. It was just meant to be, I guess. I don't let my pride get in my way, I don't feel a need to 'punish' him. It doesn't matter if he 'deserves' to have my friendship or not.  It isn't about him.  It's about me. Besides, living with, and accepting responsibility for, his own choices is going to be hard enough. As it is for us all.

Anyway, we know that this friendship will change and evolve, go through ups and downs just like our marriage did. It may end just like the marriage. But for now, we enter into it willingly, with eyes open.  It is a comfort to me to still have his friendship.  We were good friends, comrads in arms. I'm not sure what happened.

So, I still can't see the future from here, but I have come to learn that it doesn't matter if I do.  The future will come, and I will not only deal with what it brings, I will enjoy it and live my life fully, making good decisions to the best of my ability, and only allowing positive energy in my life.

I hope I find that kind of love again. Be cherished and treasured by someone. But if I don't, it's okay. There are many facets to my life, and many more adventures.  I will embrace them all as they come, with as much grace as God grants me.