It Doesn't Help

I am bereft. I am lonely. I am spent. Confused, frustrated and angry.  Mostly just so very sad. The emotional manipulation, the betrayal.  It's unimaginable.  So cowardly.

I feel like I am on a roller coaster that is also on a merry-go-round.  There doesn't seem to be any way to get off or make it stop.  Slowing it down is almost more painful than letting it run out of control.

I have good days, though they are few these days. I try to take advantage of them and get a lot done, because I don't know how long they will last.  On those days, I don't understand the others.  The days when I am paralyzed with grief and anxiety.  When I weep all day.  Slowly and silently leaking my pain through eyes of sorrow, heartbroken. Unable to stop.  Not caring about the things I need to do to get on with my life.  Not caring if I ever do. Not caring if I ever care again.

So many memories. So much pain.

So frustrating to miss him, and want him back. To just have things be the way they used to be.  I know that I only miss a person who doesn't exist anymore.  Maybe he never did.  That is the scariest part.  How long have I been wrong?  What if I am again?  How much am I wrong about right now that I don't even know yet?

I know to count my blessings.  And I have many.  I know it could be worse.  I know I am not the only one.  I know this will pass.  Will become something else.  I just can't see it from here.  And it doesn't help.