Remember Who You Are!

It is the 29th Anniversary of the 1st day of my marriage. I'm doing much better today than last year on this date. There has been sadness, yes. I've been able to watch it come and go, though. Choosing the light instead of darkness.

I can't ignore the significance of the day, but I can assign it a different job. I choose to make it a restart day. My sister-in-law was very sweet and treated me to a massage at an amazing spa.  It left me relaxed and rejuvenated. A lovely way to while away the afternoon! I am forever grateful for her thoughtfullness.

I have seeds and soil ready to start the seedlings for my garden, my new passion. It is part of my renewal, rebirth.

I need to get back to who I am. The fearless and courageous me that ploghed on full of love and determination no matter what. There were pit stops for pain along the way, but I never lingered long.

I jave lingered here too long, in this place of grief and disbelief. I need to move forward.  Baby steps forward. What shall I do first?

My Own Company

Tonight is not unlike any Saturday nights over the past 30 years. Spent with my own company because Mike was away. Away with his military career, or once he became a civilian, away for work with his civilian job. I had looked forward to spending these nights with him when things settled down. With our children grown we would have lots of time to spend together. With his dream job on track he would have the time to be home. So I waited. For 30 freaking years, I waited. Fortunately I like my own company . And so I am comfortable spending the evening with myself. It is not however what I envisioned for the later years of my life. So tonight with both our grown daughters out living their own lives as they should, I I'm spending the evening in my own company. Having seen my ex earlier today for a band performance that our daughter was in, I was making polite small talk and asked him what he was doing tonight. Going out to a bar with his best friend. That's fine, great! I know how much it means to Mike to have friends to socialize with. He never felt like he had friends. Never fit in. The gracious part of me is happy for him. There is a small part of me that is a little resentful. And so he knew that I would be spending the evening alone as per our conversation. So he texts me just now, and asks me if I would like his company.

 Now it's a little late for him to start caring about my feelings. Though I do appreciate it. It's just... A little late. It is handy for the separated relationship that we now have for it to be amicable and conducted in a civil and even friendly way. However I was quite insulted, I guess, and indignant that tonight would have been, could have been, only one of many nights when I may have enjoyed his company. If he had not been otherwise occupied  spending time with more important things in his life like his career his job and his mistress.

No, it's much too late for us to enjoy each others company. Even just as friends. At least not now. Maybe in the future. But tonight, tonight it just pissed me off. Like really? Now you're going to decide that maybe I would like to share your company? Well hallelujah amen! Anyway. I'm taking a deep breath and I'm going to go finish my evening of Dr. Phil and the movie of the week. Better alone than in the wrong company. Who knew that my own company was better all along?